Two for One?

So once again I do not sleep, and I don't even care now. In the past four days I think I've gotten an amazing 3 hours of sleep. I cannot get comfortable, I cannot rest my mind. I'm always to cold, so i get another blanket, and then I'm to hot. I try turning everything off, and it's to quiet, I turn the TV on low...and it's to loud or too bright, I turn the fan on and then again it's to cold. The Seroquel fails to knock me out, thought it does a nice job of fucking me up. I try reading, thinking maybe if I read till my eyes bleed it'll exhuast my mind to the point of blacking out. No good. I hate being me.

On another note, my adventure to control myself has been somehow a sucess, and yet an epic failure. I almost feel in control...untill I hear from her, then I struggle so badly to retain some small amount of control. I guess self-control is a bit hard when you're dying inside.

I feel like such a child. I can't have thing's my way and I'm very tempted to through a bloody fit about it. But that would only make thing's worse, and honestly wouldn't help me get any closer...but then again I'll never get any closer, so I guess that's a mute point anyway.

So, I've become absolutely addicted to that band I posted the other day, Dry Cell. Such a shame they broke up years ago as they had all the makings of a epic success.

I find my mind searching for a distraction, and in this lays extreme danger. Not for me of course, but for whichever poor unlucky bastard that happens to become the focal point of my distraction. I have destroyed before, and perhaps that is why I am being punished so, but at this rate I'm willing to risk it.

The games you can play with someone's mind and soul....everyone has a weakness...and everyone can be played. Maybe I should focus on myself...if I destroy whats left of me, how can anyone ever hurt me again?

No....there's no fun in that, and if I am to drive forward somehow, I need something fun to hold on to. No, the focal point will have to be someone else...someone that'll never see it coming, someone I don't give a fuck about. The best thing is when you play with someone in this way, if they kill themselves becuase of it there's not much the law can do. And what can be done, can be countered by making it impossible to trace back to you. Easily done.

Perhaps I just need some sleep, so I'll hold off on looking around for possible targets for now. I wonder what would happen if I took two seroquel instead of just one.