No More Tears

I am alone. Again. This time it shall stay that way, as I choose not to waste anymore time on such fragile relationships. I am tired. I am drained. And my bleeding heart is splashing blood over me. This wound will heal in time, but no one will be allowed close enough to tear it open again. I have decideded myspace and msn are no longer relevent, and will be removing them over the next few days.

I will not let this control me, but neither will I pretend it doesn't hurt. I only hope I can let go enough...and settle for being nothing more then a friend. Though it kills me to think it. I believe my writing days are over now, my only positive inspiration is no longer a suitable muse and I suspect no one wants to see anymore of the stuff I truly excell at. I don't know how to write anything else, nor do I feel like trying to learn.

I almost think I should go through my hard drive and remove everything that reminds me of the possibility of ever having been, or ever being more then a friend. For that matter I'm not even sure I'm capable of being just a friend anymore, to be honest I feel like I've been dumped which is silly really considering everything. I will try anyway, perhaps I shall surprise myself.

Another effect of this fallout, I have to shut down certain key parts of me from this person. Unfortunately the "friend pass" has seriously crippled access to the inner workings that is me. I now have no one to tell everything too, and I fear this may be a serious issue in the future as I already tend to bottle things up.

This person once told me, whatever happens happens for a reason. Perhaps there is one here, though I do not see it. If this is true, then if I am to be a bomb, and if I am to explode, then whatever damage I cuase in the process was going to happen no matter what. And if something happens to prevent this, then maybe there is hope.

I am changing even now though, I can feel it. The hurt that tries so voilently to reach the surface is being dragged so far deep down. I'm sure at some point it will manifest itself a a tumor or something of the like. But I will not let it take over again, never again. If I must poison myself to mainten this control, then that is what must be done.

I looked at her picture today, looked deep into those eyes and to be honest I fell apart, I cried. Those will be the last tears I ever shed.