Now you all know mixing beer with allergy meds can be a fun experience, well here's an interesting twist that makes it not so much fun. Try it with the nighttime formula. You enter what I like to call "beyond comatose" mode and become for all intents and purposes just a giant paperweight with a mildly amusing view on things, now this is a serious abuse of proper alcohol consumption as you simply cannot fully enjoy your currently inebriated state to it's potential. Suffice it to say I was a little concerned to see how fucked up I'd become after only four drinks and a mild dose of what I had believed to be normal everyday OTC benedryl, It couldn't be my tolerance had slipped to such lows that this was all it takes to totally lay me out could it?...Should my tolerance every drop to that point I will have no choice but to drown myself in a keg becuase lets face it, those that cannot carry their liquer are hopelessly outclassed by the rest of of the drinking world. Got home after nearly falling asleep not once but a dozen times and just out of drunken stupor decide to check the packaging....and to my surprise I discover, in very small print as if they didnt want me to read this "Nighttime Formula", Sweet, my tolerance remains intact. Now I can begin plotting the demise of the corporate nutjob that felt the need to all but hide the all important information from me, But Alas as my revenge is in it's brooding phase I slip into blissfull sleep state featuring dreams, or nightmares depending on your point of view, of Legion's of Smurf's marching on Washington singing "It's A Small World"...I kid you not folks, you can't make this shit up. Now if you think that's cute, your gonna love it as I go into details. Each and every one of these lil blue fuckers was armed with a pitch fork, had it's teeth filed down till they looked like vampire fangs...and not just the canines, each tooth...and they all had this blood shot crazed Ralph Wiggum on crack expression burned into their face. Now how many of you would do your best to get away from such creatures? Not me...no, It occured to me that if I could control such an army I would be invincible. So I grabbed a thing of cheese, now what would possess me to think these horrible abominations would want cheese I simply cannot fathom, and sure enough...they did most definatly not want cheese. But it did seem to remind them they were hungry as when I tried to give one some cheese it took a chunk out of my arm....now it gets twisted, I woke up at this point sweating and totally confused, grabbing my arm only to discover it's fine...ok, bad dream right?...Alright, go grab a drink and a quick bite to eat before heading back to sleep.....and I pick up the dream exactly where it left off. The little blue fucker is standing there chewing on my flesh so at this point I did the only rational action, I bite his ass back. Now only in my fucked up head could smurf's bleed anything but blue blood, sure enough he bled alot, of powdered sugar. Now ladies & gentlemen up into now this story has not crossed the line as to where I would classify it as weird, but after this....all I can say is what the fuck. Soon as that sugary blood started pouring out, a dozen of this blue bastards brethren jump on him and start feasting on the super sweet sugar, consuming their little buddy in the process....and they grew, this is where I gave up my desire for global domination and simply decided saving my own ass was the best choice of options at this point so in following my grand scheme for self preservation I bolted faster then Micheal Jackson dodging another child molestation charge. I end up miles away within mere seconds looking down from my nice little hiding abode watching as the blue spawn of hades turn on each other, eat, grow, and repeat the process into only one remains (keep in mind I hear the Highlander theme song playing over loudspeakers during this) and mutter to myself "There can be only one..." And sure enough after a few more moments there is only one...but now he's a hundred feet tall and his white smurf hat and white smurf pants have turned red as he is now the ultimate Papa Smurf. Then you hear a roar. As always must happen when you have a incredibly large creature, another incredibly large creature must appear to combat it. Godzilla is here.
Yes, that's right...God fucking zilla, aproaches his now arch nemesis Giant Evil Papa Smurf (We'll Call Him GEPS From Now on) They do the classic stare down, a giant tumbleweed blows past even though there's no wind to blow it. They start btheir face off, Godzilla swinging his old skool spiked tail at GEPS's head, GEPS sidesteps and predictably grabs Godzilla's tail thus using it to swing Godzilla around in singles before throwing him into a building. Godzilla gets back up, does his breathe thing Geps gets burned, Geps is pissed now, he extends his hand, gives Godzilla the giant blue finger, and summons his giant Pitch Fork to his hand before hurling it into Godzilla's chest piercing his heart and killing him instantly. Geps Is Happy. He does a crazy ass Irish Jig even manages to use his evil smurf powers to create himself a giant glass of beer, he downs it....and drops dead. A little flower falls out of nowhere and lands on Geps's chest and I wake up completely and totally confused.
The Moral of the Story? Giant Evil Smurf's Kick Ass?
No comments:
Post a Comment