.....damn

..... ok this was intended to be an attempt to actually write something positive...and I find myself really wanting to, However the words just escape me....so I think I'm gonna go to sleep....and try again in the morning

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Now playing: Skillet - Rebirthing
via FoxyTunes

Here We Go Again

Alright, I was doing pretty good today but now it's creeping up on me again....by now everyone should be asleep and so there's no one around to talk to....but then again this time talking wouldn't help cuase I don't know whats bothering me...I should be in a pretty good mood, Packers won, nothing bad happened today, I haven't even been obsessing over the past....but that damn black cloud is setting in again....I really wanna beat it this time but how can you fight an enemy you can't see?



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Now playing: Adema - Giving In
via FoxyTunes

Wow, now ain't this emo

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Living is, hard enough, without you fucking up

Due to overwhelming evidence, I must conclude that I'm in serious need of some fixing....unfortunately this requires some communication, an area that I'm not exactly good in.....but if I'm ever to deal with shit normally it appears I no longer have an option as holding shit bottled up inside...not working so well anymore, so I'm gonna do something absolutely stupid, fucked up, and just generally insane....I'm gonna make a pathetic, bound to fail, and just generally ill advised attempt...to talk about it, though I fully expect it to blow up in my face




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Now playing: Breaking Benjamin - Until The End
via FoxyTunes

Suicide of love took away all that matters

Firstly, with this entry I'm going to ask that no one actually read it unless the time comes, in which case you'll know. Secondly, should you choose to read it without the triggering event taking place you may regret it.

To prevent accidental reading I'll insert some clever reading material to distract you here:


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


In case you opted not to listen to my request, the following is basically my preemptive suicide note, if your actually reading it after the fact well, I'm sorry...



Now that the disclaimer's out of the way, we can get to the reality of things. It's becoming more & more obvious to me that I simply am a disaster in progress so in case the worst happens, I hold none of you accountable, the majority of you have done nothing but try to help I appreciate the effort and I thank you all, but some thing's once set into play are unavoidable.

Here I shall attempt to answer in more detail, the question many will be asking; why?

I could go on for hours on this, but it all pretty much boils down to this: My Life, Is A Void. And always has been, for quite some time I was simply ignorant of this fact but this is no longer the case. That ignorant quite simply was the only thing keeping me alive, had I realized what a pathetic shame this....life....was before I never would have made it this long. I've had it with it all, I don't see any hope for fixing things, and I'm pretty sure they cant be fixed anyway.

Next, some of you will wonder how anyone could be so selfish as suicide is a completely selfish endeavor. And your right, but understand this...I've spent the few years forcing myself to keep pushing on....for all of you, and I'm sorry but there's only so much I can deal with..I tried, I'm still trying but honestly I'm just getting weaker and weaker and the final falling simply can't be far off......So that said...I don't want any fancy funeral.....burn me & shelve me, maybe even sell my ashes on ebay that'd kinda be morbid, but it's me....no getting dressed up, no speeches no bullshit....my only other request, play Suicide is Painless then go out & get drunk. Those of you close enough, to actually be considered my friends, I love & miss you, perhaps if i'm wrong and there actually is an afterlife we'll meet again someday....the rest of you, you never made the effort to know me, so I wont waste the effort saying goodbye.


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Now playing: Stone Sour - Made Of Scars
via FoxyTunes

Flashdown

Some of you, ahem, have gotten the impression I may be "stuck in a hole", well just let me tell you, your 100% completely fucking wrong...alright fine, your right. Thing is I don't have the slightest clue as to how to actually climb the fuck out of it. I had thought maybe finding something to believe in would be the answer, but I can't seem to put faith in anything or anyone now, this is a rather serious problem and one I seem to be lacking a serious solution for.....so what the bleeding fuck do I do? I've changed so drastically I've lost the ability to self-project and analyze so I no longer have the option of even trying to look at things from a logical unbiased view, plus I'm completely blinded by the raw torrential flow of anger, hate, sadness & pain that seems to have taken over me....so someone, just tell me what I need to do, cause frankly I've about had enough.

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Now playing: Yellowcard - Afraid
via FoxyTunes

Heh.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


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Now playing: Yellowcard - Five Becomes Four
via FoxyTunes

1..2...3.

I could be mean...I could be angry...you know I could be just like you...

There's something wrong with the world today, I don't know what it is...

If I gave you the truth would it keep you alive....

Wallow in my pain, I swallow as I pretend...

Down on your knees your screaming out to die...

I live to die another day...

Here I Go.

Jaded

I don't propose that humanity is gone
I only know that our morality is done
So lets take a breathe & draw that gun
Maybe todays the day you'll lives begun
& if you hesitate perhaps you'll just be late
For one more twisted messed up date
So now your pissed off & irrate
But don't sweat it cause it's not that great

Someday this day will dawn
And you'll get raped like that fawn
Then they can mow your ass down
So You'll be laughing like a clown

Oh I just don't understand
How the world just don't comprehend
The misgivings we all see first hand
It's a misguided world with a fucked up plan


Another dream shot down in flames
It's just yet another era of pain
Another day lost & faded
Somehow there's always a reason to remain jaded







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Now playing: Flyleaf - I'm So Sick
via FoxyTunes

And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me

Can you see it bleeding, even as you lay kneeling
Would you believe it was fading, even if this heart kept beating
Do you know the feeling of dying while living a lie
Have you embraced the knowledge there's nothing you can do

It sounds like you've all but given up
Seems like you think your out of luck
It's not right when your living to die
You should be dying to live

I don't think you understand the misconceptions
Maybe perhaps your in need of some new direction
Something profound is bound to come along
To suffocate you slowly wrapped in misery
So take yourself out first a bomb to fuel their agony

Like Suicide

Premeditation will kill the trust
They'll never know if you fear me
With every second collecting dust
I feel so bloated and weary
'Cause she belongs to heaven

She's coming over like a suicide
And its the same old trip, the same old trip as before
Another overbearing suicide
But its the same old trip, the same old trip. AS BEFORE!

She'll cut you down with a single thrust
You'll never know if your near me
No medication can cure the lust
So say a prayer for the sickly
'Cause she belongs to heaven

[Like Suicide lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

She's coming over like a suicide
And its the same old trip, the same old trip as before
Another devastating suicide
But its the same old trip, the same old trip. AS BEFORE! AS BEFORE!

x8
You set me up to f**king fail this time


She's coming over like a suicide
And its the same old trip, the same old trip as before
Another devastating suicide
But its the same old trip, the same old trip as before


She's coming over like a suicide
And its the same old trip, the same old trip as before
Another devastating suicide
But its the same old trip, the same old trip. AS BEFORE! AS BEFORE!



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Now playing: Seether - Like Suicide
via FoxyTunes

I Will Never Know

So set for me a misery in blood shroud happiness
A horrid place of life filled with deepest regret
The life you crave the love that fades
Start again this rounds above your head
The magnum's laying next to you sitting on your bed
Wouldn't you know if you'd be better of dead

The blade hits the floor just like you always do
Lost yet found enough to see the map's been blurred
I don't know what I expect from me but it'll never be enough
Waking is torture the dreams are mindless enraged by violence
Screaming out yet every word I say echoes in silence
Cyanide claims these veins spreading its sickness
Can you sense the horror in this madness building

Some give up well I've given in embracing the darkness that lies within
The overwhelming sadness distracts from the haunting pressure
Well I'm crawling I'm crying I'm reaching the fuck out
For the answers & meanings & feelings I'll never pull in
With nowhere to run and nothing to hold soon this story will be told
At the end the fault will still be my own

Microsoft, Fuck You.

So my lovely 10 month old Xbox 360 has decided to fucking die. Flipped it on, Red Ring of Death...fucking lovely. A fucking $400 console just stops working after not even a fucking year, fuck you microsoft. Good news is it's still under warranty....but it's gonna take about a fucking month to get it back, so I guess there goes my escape from the mind numbing dullness that is every day life, so one again, fuck you microsoft.

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Now playing: Breaking Benjamin - Medicate
via FoxyTunes

It's Not Enough

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Now playing: Dark New Day - Taking Me Alive
via FoxyTunes

A Tragedy

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

It's Me!

World of....Toyota?

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Now playing: Sixx AM - Intermission
via FoxyTunes

Alive

Yet another tag to add to the chain...

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Now playing: Papa Roach - Alive (N' Out Of Control)
via FoxyTunes

Suicide is Painless

Hazaah my temper has returned! Destroyed yet another headset while playing BF2....damn thing's need to be made tougher I swear, I seriously didn't slam it into the ground as hard as I could or anything...really.....stupid fucking plastic piece of ...so...um...yea for those of you who have not yet noticed my latest away message, I've become obsessed with it....you all know it, but I garuntee you not one of you fuckers knows the words so read up...and for those in doubt...hum it to yourself....you should recognize it as the MASH theme.....aka "Suicide is Painless", dig it.

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Now playing: Breaking Benjamin - Had Enough
via FoxyTunes

Suicide By Alcohol

Life is a farce, I'll spare you the details and save you from the bullshit. Bottom line is we're all just living to die while dying to live, I for one have simply had about enough. There's nothing to live for and nowhere to go, nothing to see and nothing to tell and I'm growing more & more frustrated with each passing day. So I've decided to kill myself, slowly, after years of intensive alcohol abuse, who wants to end it with me?