I remember that it hurt.

Do you remember my note all those years ago? The one I tried to hide in plain sight but you found anyway? The lying smile on my lips? That first night with Jay and Nick, Nicole and everyone else at Fezziwig's? That night around a crowded table of friend's drinking and laughing and just enjoying each other's company. Nicole said something to you that night, something I don't know if you recall about someone you both knew passing away. I wanted to say something then but I couldn't bring myself to break the generally good mood of the night, I held my tongue. My heart broke again. Do you remember that time we went to some crappy bar to see Nick's friend's band play? The night I fell asleep leaning on the table? I didn't fall asleep....the band had stopped playing and the radio came in to the The Killers Mr. Brightside and my heart shattered again. Do you remember when I vanished during your Dad's wedding only to be found after forever in the bathroom and I let everyone believe I passed out? Hiding, that's all it was because wedding's only serve to remind me of a dream that no longer has the chance to become real. All these thing's I've done, every relationship I sabotage or let starve to nothingness. The reason I pray every waking moment for death. The reason I can't sleep. The reason I come off as cold or standoffish. The reason I want so badly to kill myself. There was a girl once, one who showed me kindness at a point in my life where literally everyone else treated me like shit. I never told you what she meant to be, kept telling myself one day everything would fall into place and she would know and we'd be together. I never had the courage to ask her out, couldn't even find my voice long enough to hold an actual conversation with her in person......but she got that. We'd spend hours talking on AIM every day even though I could barely mutter Hello to her in person. I loved her with every fiber of my heart and soul. I love her still and it bring's my intense physical pain to think about her. It's been a little over eight years since she passed away and for me that pain is just as fresh as it was the day I learned the news. I simply can not function in a world where she doesn't exist anymore. Her name was Sam.